being a compendium of certain illnesses afflicting many sectors of the Anglican world, and, of course, intended completely as satire.
Akinolism A bipolar condition marked by alternating bouts of bravado and sullenness, with periodic eruptions separated by longer quiescent periods. Patients exhibit inflated but easily damaged egos. (see “Peter’s Pout” and Abujamania.)
Benign apostate enlargement An inflammation of the apostate gland, caused by an aggravated sensitivity to differences of opinion. Passing the “stone of dispute” can lead to significant pain but causes no real damage.
Cancerburioma An invasive and metastatic form of anglicancer, which overtakes healthy tissue and produces numbness and rigidity after initial rapid growth. Seldom fatal, but leaves disfiguring scar tissue that impedes further growth. (see Nigerianoma, Acna Rosacrucia)
Covenant dermatitis Obsessive compulsive disorder in which the patient collects a number of similar but otherwise unconnected things and attempts to assemble a single new entity. Often treated by simply putting all of the objects into a single drawer with a neat label, which appears to relieve all but the most extreme cases. Popularly known as “The Itch.”
Griffith’s standfirmity A condition characterized by rigor and pallor, often mistaken for catalepsy or death; can be treated by application of cardiac warming and softening. Physical therapy is often useful in a full recovery of arm motion enabling a larger embrace.
Haller’s Complaint Condition first characterized by Griffith in 2009; a delusion in which the patient continues to believe himself to be part of a Christian church, all evidence to the contrary notwithstanding. Incurable but not fatal. Best treatment is to ignore; will eventually go away whether treated or not.
Huntington’s Schoria A loss of balance induced by trying to be everything to everybody, leading to an inability to frame sentences capable of being understood in only one possible and acceptable way. Previously thought to be genetic, it now appears to be an occupational hazard. (See Rowanitis)
Loopus episcopaliensis Malady in which the patient thinks he can believe anything he wants. Condition becomes critical in bishops, causing them to turn purple and burst, spreading the infection further. (See Benign Spongiform Episcopalitis)
Myopinia Inability to see beyond ones own opinions. Condition has reached pandemic level in recent years; spread by the internet. Often produces unsightly growths known popularly as “blogs.” Efforts to produce a vaccine have so far been unsuccessful, as the virus mutates quickly or migrates to facebook or twitter. Seldom fatal but very irritating.
Pluralsy Condition characterized by bloating and loss of muscle tone, with fluid buildup due to inability to separate truth from error. (see Pluriforminoma, Griswoldism.)
Primatism Condition in which patient imagines himself to be an Archbishop even though he has no province. A number of cases have been cited in the past; at present isolated to the Pittsburgh area. CDC warns it may spread if encouraged, or even if not.
Rowanalgia State of restive dissatisfaction with unclear or vacillating leadership.
Rowanitis Rare (seldom striking more than one person at a time); a form of aphasia in which the patient appears to be speaking rationally but on reflection no one can tell what the discourse means. Unusual in that it produces irritation only in others.
Wright’s Tic Condition in which an otherwise completely sane and healthy person is given to occasional irrational outbursts of short duration but great intensity, in which he appears to forget everything he knows in his field of expertise.
— Tobias Stanislas Haller BSG
UPDATE: A number of additional maladies have been reported.
Evangelicoids: varicose veins in the neck, usually on both sides. May be caused by straining at gnats, kicking at goads, or extended speaking engagements combined with air travel. Best treated with double radical inclusivity.
Hepatitus-1,9: mild form of jaundice caused by overexposure to multiple internet partners. Moving to a dry climate without wireless access appears to offer best prognosis.
Juvenile diatribetes: compulsive repetition of any reassertion, usually involving redundancy; a form of repetitive emotion disorder. Condition is exacerbated by contact with exposed blogs.
Ortheoporosis: a condition in which the patient is theologically debilitated. May result from a diet lacking in chalcedon and nicene. Not unusual in new age.
Pantheismia: psychosocial disorder characterized by disorientation and confusion, loss of theological rigor, and weakened evangelism. May be contracted everywhere, by all, at any time.
Whiteheads: unsightly, oily skin eruption thought to be caused by overexposure to process theology.
Finally, reported by Dr. Slope in the comments:
Tranverse blogitis: crippling desire to post on blogs which have an opposite point of view to your own.