November 30, 2006

Apostate Disease

The apostate gland is a small organ lying somewhere near the heart. Although both men and women possess the organ, it appears to create more difficulties for men than for women. These difficulties seem to arise due to irritation from external sources, which causes enlargement and pressure on the heart. The primary symptom is a restlessness and discomfort with people with whom the patient disagrees, and hypersensitivity to having this pointed out, leading the patient to charge them with “apostasy” — hence the name of this otherwise obscure and apparently non-functional gland.

Lifestyle choices may play a role in the etiology of the illness, and Anglican Bishops appear to be especially at risk. Additional symptoms include

  • frequent urge to fulmination
  • having to get out of bed more than once in the night to check on some passage in Aquinas or Cranmer
  • unsteady, weak, interrupted or wandering stream of argument
  • hearing loss
  • being a frequent pain in the lower back or neck
  • difficulty in maintaining a seat in mixed assemblies

The ASA (Apostate Specific Antigen) test is indicative, but inconclusive of the exact nature of the underlying pathology. Benign Apostatic Enlargment may be treated with medication, but more serious forms of the disease require surgery.

Tobias Haller BSG


Anonymous said...

Excellent summary. Perhaps you should submit for peer review & publication in the JOURNAL OF IRREPRODUCIBLE RESULTS. Thanks for the lift when I was a little weary from the journey.
C. Watson

Ann said...

Way too funny for reading and drinking coffee over one's computer. Thanks

Lisa Fox said...

You're sunk now, Tobias. MadPriest has picked you up. There's no telling what kind of riff-raff may come visiting your previously-erudite blog now.

But you brought it on yourself, you know? Posting such an excellent essay and all . . .

With deepest sympathy --

Anonymous said...

ahh yes, the ever famous Apostatectomy...

Anonymous said...

I was warned not to be drinking anything while reading this! As with C. Watson, "Thanks for the lift when I was a little weary from the journey."

Anonymous said...

Tobias, you must have drunk your medicinal toddies, as I advised over at MadPriest's place. Or is it still the Nyquil talking?

I hope that you feel better.

Tobias Stanislas Haller BSG said...

Dear Grandmère Mimi,
Thank you for your kind note and your good advice (re the Toddies -- they do indeed make the condition more bearable). I am much improved, and prepared for Advent I tomorrow.

I especially appreciate your note on self-care given your famous operatic namesake's tendency to tussiveness, and the odd gelida manina!

All the best, my accustomed perkiness restored....

Anonymous said...

Tobias, no tussiveness here, and gelida manina only when I'm out in the cold.

La vie de bohème is altogether another story. How could one grow up in New Orleans without indulging in a bit of that?