Apostate Disease

The apostate gland is a small organ lying somewhere near the heart. Although both men and women possess the organ, it appears to create more difficulties for men than for women. These difficulties seem to arise due to irritation from external sources, which causes enlargement and pressure on the heart. The primary symptom is a restlessness and discomfort with people with whom the patient disagrees, and hypersensitivity to having this pointed out, leading the patient to charge them with “apostasy” — hence the name of this otherwise obscure and apparently non-functional gland.

Lifestyle choices may play a role in the etiology of the illness, and Anglican Bishops appear to be especially at risk. Additional symptoms include

• frequent urge to fulmination
• having to get out of bed more than once in the night to check on some passage in Aquinas or Cranmer
• unsteady, weak, interrupted or wandering stream of argument
• hearing loss
• being a frequent pain in the lower back or neck
• difficulty in maintaining a seat in mixed assemblies

The ASA (Apostate Specific Antigen) test is indicative, but inconclusive of the exact nature of the underlying pathology. Benign Apostatic Enlargment may be treated with medication, but more serious forms of the disease require surgery.

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Tobias Haller BSG